


Dead People in MY Group Chat?!

by Femisis



Category: Bleach
Genre: Crack, Group chat, Humor, Ignores The Timeskip Chapters, M/M, More Characters and Ships As This Progresses, Shenanigans, Spoilers for the Manga, has anyone done this, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:00:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23220607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Femisis/pseuds/Femisis
Summary: TheHandsomestMan: Nooooooooo! Ichigo you betrayed meeeeeeee!StrawberryShorbae: Shut the fuck up we’re trying to sleepTheHandsomestMan: Not even trying to hide it any m ore eh?QuincyEmperorHatesYou: Asano, if my phone goes off one more time I will come over there and end your bloodline.(Or the Bleach Groupchat literally no one asked for but you're getting anyway.)
Relationships: Ayasegawa Yumichika/Madarame Ikkaku, Ishida Uryuu/Kurosaki Ichigo
Comments: 24
Kudos: 167
Collections: Chatfics I simp for





	1. All Bets Are Off

6:00 AM

FairlyPrincess: 1523.jpg

FairlyPrincess: 1524.jpg

FairlyPrincess: 1525.jpg

FairlyPrincess: 1526.jpg

FairlyPrincess: 1527.jpg

FairlyPrincess: I found these strange little dust mites on the floor… what could they mean?

QuincyEmperorHatesYou: Inoue, I care for you dearly, but it is 6 in the morning on a Sunday and I only just got to sleep. Could we save this for not so early in the morning…?

FairlyPrincess: Oh! I’m so sorry Ishida-kun! It was just such a nice morning and then these mites showed up and I just had to share!

QuincyEmperorHatesYou: That’s fine, just… let me sleep. Please.

ElsaButMoreBadass: What’s wrong, Ishida-kun? It’s not like you to stay up so late… Is everything alright?

QuincyEmperorHatesYou: I’m fine, Kuchiki-san.

SlimShady: You at a rager last night or something?

QuincyEmperorHatesYou: Fuck off Renji

SlimShady: Give Ishida back his phone, Ichigo.

QuincyEmperorHatesYou: How’d you know it was me?

SlimShady: Ishida’s insults are way better than yours.

QuincyEmperorHatesYou: Thank you, Abarai, I appreciate that.

StrawberryShorbae: Hey!

SlimShady: Wait… where the hell are you that you have access to Ishida’s phone at the ass crack of dawn?

QuincyEmperorHatesYou: ………...

_Several People Are Typing…_

\---------

11:00 AM

TheHandsomestMan: god I love waking up to this chat every morning

TheHandsomestMan: My skin is clear and my crops are watered

LadiesMan: Looks like Ichigo and Ishida finally told on themselves. I was wondering how long that was going to take.

TheHandsomestMan: WHAT?!

LadiesMan: Pay up, Keigo.

TheHandsomestMan: Nooooooooo! Ichigo you betrayed meeeeeeee!

StrawberryShorbae: Shut the fuck up we’re trying to sleep

TheHandsomestMan: Not even trying to hide it any m ore eh?

QuincyEmperorHatesYou: Asano, if my phone goes off one more time I will come over there and end your fucking bloodline.

TheHandsomestMan: not my bloodline!

\-----

2:00 PM

DinnerForTwo: Fuck there goes my drinking money for this week…

Baldylocks: There goes all my money for this week…

ActuallyLadyGaga: I told you~

Baldylocks: AAAAAKJRGARJAGAGHHHEEHEHH

SlimShady: Is Ikkaku okay

ActuallyLadyGaga: No, he’s broke.

SlimShady: Fuck dude…

SlimShady: So who actually won the betting pool?

StrawberryShorbae: YOU ASSHOLES HAD A BETTING POOL?!?!!?!?

ActuallyLadyGaga: Of course we had a betting pool. Why wouldn’t we?

ActuallyLadyGaga: To answer your question, Renji, let me get the ledger…

ActuallyLadyGaga: From a quick tally, the winners are myself, Izuru, Rukia, and Captain Kuchiki.

StrawberryShortbae: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING-

StrawberryShorbae: BYAKUYA BET ON US?!

StrawberryShortbae: agjairgjaajrfsagraj

StrawberryShortbae: this is bullying

QuincyEmperorHatesYou: I want my cut.

StrawberryShortbae: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOUR CUT?!

ActuallyLadyGaga: Once I hunt down the holdouts you’ll have your share.

StrawberryShortbae: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOUR CUT?!

QuincyEmperorHatesYou: Any betting done at my expense results in a cut of the winnings being directed my way.

QunicyEmperorHatesYou: I make the rules now.

FairlyPrincess: … what was that noise…?

LadiesMan: I think Ichigo just threw himself out a window.

SlimShady: Do a flip!

\----

2:17 PM

FrostedFlakes: Ichigo fell in a dumpster, he’s okay.

SlimShady: Did he do a flip?

ElsaButMoreBadass: Renji!

ElsaButMoreBadass: He could have been hurt!

SlimShady: But he landed in the trash where he belongs

FrostedFlakes: It got cold all of a sudden…

FairlyPrincess: Ishida-kun, where are you going?

Baldylocks: Renji

Baldylocks: Bro

Baldylocks: You’d better fuckin’ run

SlimShady: shi-

\----

2:43 PM

IceIceBaby: What sort of tomfoolery will I be subjected to today?

BreastedBoobily: Hello Captain!

ActuallyLadyGaga: Ishida-san is hunting Renji down like an animal and Ikkaku and I are watching from the roof of the barracks.

Baldylocks: Someone brought booze.

ActuallyLadyGaga: Lucky for you, you broke ass bitch.

Baldylocks: Fuck you.

ActuallyLadyGaga: Fuck me yourself you coward.

DinnerForTwo: Okay we get it you’re both gay.

BreastedBoobily: Did someone say booze?!

BreastedBoobily: I’ll be right there!

EeyoreButBlond: Shouldn’t someone stop this?

Baldylocks: Do you want to?

EeyoreButBlond: I’m depressed not stupid. I’ll be over to the 11th shortly.

DinnerForTwo: !!! I’ll join you!

ActuallyLadyGaga: Gayyyyyyyyy

EeyoreButBlond: You’re gay.

ActuallyLadyGaga: Shit you’re right.

IceIceBaby: Am I getting any work out of you today Rangiku or should I just do this paperwork myself?

BreastedBoobily: If I answer this question will I get yelled at?

IceIceBaby: Yes.

BreastedBoobily: :c

DinnerForTwo: Why don’t you come join us, Captain?

IceIceBaby: Unlike some people, I have work to do.

BreastedBoobily: You need to take some time for yourself Captain! Even Captain Kuchiki takes off a day here and there!

Baldylocks: Yeah, so Renji can dig through his guts.

WhereThePetalsFall: It never ceases to amuse me when you forget that I am in this chat.

Baldylocks: ajklajdfajgjargaja

Baldylocks: WHO INVITED HIM

ActuallyLadyGaga: Captain Kuchiki has been in this chat for five months catch the fuck up.

EeyoreButBlond: Rukia and Renji were trying to introduce him to meme culture, but all he’s done is lurk until he can get us in trouble for something.

Baldylocks: KICK HIM

ActuallyLadyGaga: You’ll have to ask Inoue. She’s the chat owner.

Baldylocks: @FairlyPrincess KIK HIM

FairlyPrincess: How do I do that????

Baldylocks: GJAKDGJKDJAFDFJFSD

EeyoreButBlond: Ikkaku is not having a good day, is he?

ActuallyLadyGaga: He’ll live.

WhereThePetalsFall: Speaking of souls.

WhereThePetalsFall: @QuincyEmperorHatesYou

WhereThePetalsFall: What would it take to keep you from killing my lieutenant.

QuincyEmperorHatesYou: An apology and he deep cleans my apartment.

WhereThePetalsFall: You heard him, Renji.

SlimShady: OKAY OKAY IM SORRY PLEASE DONT KILL ME

QuincyEmperorHatesYou: Ichigo?

StrawberryShortbae: I’m good. Watching you kick the crap out of him is enough for me.

SlimShady: I hate all of you Q~Q

TheHandsomestMan: Is that what gets your motor running, Ichigo~?

StrawberryShorbae: KEIGO I SWEAR TO GOD

StrawberryShortbae: Do you have a death wish or something?!

LadiesMan: No, he just keeps forgetting that everyone he likes to antagonize can snap him in half like a toothpick.

TheHandsomestMan: What?! I’m way stronger than that!

ElsaButMoreBadass: Keigo, you are literally bottom of the barrel. Orihime can kick your ass. Not that she would, but she could if she wanted to.

FairlyPrincess: It’s true! I can erase you from existence! ｷﾀ━━━━(ﾟ∀ﾟ)━━━━!!

FrostedFlakes: That escalated quickly…

TheHandsomestMan: I’m being bullied T^T

 **LadiesMan** changed **TheHandsomestMan** to **BullyMe**

BullyMe: ajgakjdfakjfgjaefgagja

LadiesMan: C:

SlimShady: Shit dude…

 **LadiesMan** changed **SlimShady** to **BullyMeAlso**

BullyMeAlso: WHAT THE FUCK?!!?!

ElsaButMoreBadass: LMAO

Baldylocks: F

DinnerForTwo: F

BreastedBoobily: Ggggggggggggggg

EeyoreButBlond: Rangiku, are you okay…?

WhereThePetalsFall: Ha

BullyMeAlso: CAPTAINNNNNNN Q~Q

StrawberryShortbae: Get rekt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you at home trying to keep track:
> 
> FairlyPrincess- Orihime  
> QuincyEmperorHatesYou- Uryuu  
> ElsaButMoreBadass- Rukia  
> SlimShady/BullyMeAlso- Renji  
> StrawberryShortbae- Ichigo  
> TheHandsomestMan/BullyMe- Keigo  
> LadiesMan- Mizuiro  
> DinnerForTwo- Shuuhei  
> Baldylocks- Ikkaku  
> ActuallyLadyGaga- Yumichika  
> FrostedFlakes- Chad  
> IceIceBaby- Hitsugaya  
> BreastedBoobily- Rangiku  
> EeyoreButBlond- Izuru  
> WhereThePetalsFall- Byakuya


	2. Doom Crossing: Eternal Horzons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look I'm still here being funny

**10:45 AM**

StrawberryShortbae: Uugh

StrawberryShortbae: I’m bored

StrawberryShortbae: Someone entertain me  
  
BullyMeAlso: What, done fucking Ishida already?  
  
StrawberryShortbae: Not on your life. He’s been aggressively playing Animal Crossing for 36 hours straight now and all he’s doing is muttering about either killing Tom Nook or fucking him. I’m getting concerned.

QuincyEmperorHatesYou: I refuse to be indebted to that fucking raccoon.

QuincyEmperorHatesYou: Anyone have peaches?  
  
QuincyEmperorHatesYou: i really fucking need peaches  
  
BullyMeAlso: I’m sensing a lot of anger here…  
  
FairlyPrincess: I do I do! I’ll come visit you Ishida-kun!  
  
FrostedFlakes: I have cherries.  
  
QuincyEmperorHatesYou: visiting you soon

StrawberryShortbae: You can tell he’s starting to spazz out when his grammar gets worse. His eye is starting to twitch.

QuincyEmperorHatesYou: ichigo i need bananas find me someone with bananas

StrawberryShortbae: I’m… I’m right next to you… you could have just said i

QuincyEmperorHatesYou: BANANAS

QuincyEmperorHatesYou: NEED THEM

QuincyEmperorHatesYou: NOW

StrawberryShortbae: oh god

StrawberryShortbae: **@Everyone** Anyone playing Animal Crossing have bananas?

LadiesMan: I do, I’ll send you a friend request Ishida.  
  
BullyMe: Is everyone playing this game but me?!

StrawberryShortbae: I’m not, but Uryuu is, and I’ve been recruited to find him fruit.

StrawberryShortbae: And fetch snacks.

BullyMe: You are so whipped.  
  
StrawberryShortbae: You are so single.  
  
BullyMeAlso: Holy shit, need some ice for that burn?  
  
ElsaButMoreBadass: You’re not getting it from me unless you have apples, nii-sama and I need them.

StrawberryShortbae: Rukia I understand, but you too, Byakuya?!  
  
WhereThePetalsFall: My choice of recreation may be unconventional, but I find this game to be a delight.

LadiesMan: It really is a nice way to relax and deal with stress, unless you’re Ishida apparently.

StrawberryShortbae: This is nothing, we lost a match in Overwatch once and he shot me.  
  
BullyMe: Friendly fire?  
  
StrawberryShortbae: No, he shot me in the shoulder and pinned me to the wall. Took me half an hour to get down.  
  
QuincyEmperorHatesYou: I don’t accept defeat.  
  
StrawberryShortbae: It was my first time playing McCree!  
  
QuincyEmperorHatesYou: You suck at it.  
  
FairlyPrincess: I’m learning so much about you Ishida-kun…  
  
StrawberryShortbae: Try playing Overwatch with him…

ElsaButMoreBadass: Renji, get me some tea while you’re up!  
  
BullyMeAlso: My hands are kind of full!  
  
WhereThePetalsFall: You didn’t forget my snacks, did you?  
  
BullyMeAlso: N-no, captain! I’m coming!  
  
BullyMe: This game is consuming everyone! Am I the only sane person left?!  
  
LadiesMan: The only reason you’re not playing is because you blew all of your spending money on porn.

BullyMe: aajrgkajkjajfajrj

BullyMe: This is bullying!  
  
LadiesMan: That _is_ your name.  
  
BullyMe: kajrgajgjaegjaj

BullyMe: I hate all of you.

StrawberryShortbae: Love you too.  
  
StrawberryShortbae: Uugh

StrawberryShortbae: I haven’t left the house in two days.

StrawberryShortbae: **@Baldylocks** I’m going crazy here wanna spar?  
  
Baldylocks: Can’t, Yumi and I are hunting tarantulas.

ActuallyLadyGaga: Little fuckers are everywhere.

StrawberryShortbae: JAIOGJAIODHFAIJFGAJHNEFJFJ

**12:07 PM**

ElsaButMoreBadass: Is it possible to keep a tanuki as a pet?  
  
ElsaButMoreBadass: Asking for a friend.  
  
BullyMeAlso: Rukia no  
  
ElsaButMoreBadass: Rukia yes :|

FairlyPrincess: Do I know your friend? She sounds like fun!  
  
StrawberryShortbae: Never change, Orihime.

FairlyPrincess: Okay! I still want to meet your friend...  
  
BullyMe: Such lovely innocence…  
  
ElsaButMoreBadass: Do you do anything other than be gross?  
  
BullyMe: I am not gross, I admire all women and their assets!  
  
ElsaButMoreBadass: EW  
  
StrawberryShortbae: I can fix this.

**StrawberryShortbae** added **BallBuster** to the chat.

BullyMe: !!!!!!!!!!!!!

**BullyMe** has left the chat.

**StrawberryShortbae** added **BullyMe** to the chat.

BallBuster: Asano  
  
BullyMe: DON’T KILL ME!

**BullyMe** has left the chat.

FrostedFlakes: That was mean.

StrawberryShortbae: I know. C:

QuincyEmperorHatesYou: Hot.  
  
StrawberryShortbae: I feel validated.  
  
BallBuster: Did you and Ishida finally fall out of the closet?

QuincyEmperorHatesYou: I was never really _in_ the closet.  
  
BallBuster: Okay fair

QuincyEmperorHatesYou: I still also need bananas.  
  
BallBuster: Sorry, I’m just watching Orihime play

Quincy EmperorHatesYou: fuck

**6:45 PM**

BreastedBoobily: Does anyone know why there’s just screaming coming from the eleventh?  
  
EeyoreButBlond: They got Doom Eternal.

DinnerForTwo: Oh gods.

**7:13 PM**

WhereThePetalsFall: Would someone like to explain why all of you are in my personal bedroom?  
  
ActuallyLadyGaga: Captain let the squad get Doom Eternal and we’re still playing Animal Crossing.

WhereThePetalsFall: Get out.

Baldylocks: Dammit.

**8:36 PM**

StrawberryShortbae: If I come up those stairs and Uryuu isn’t the only person in my bedroom I’m gonna flip.

DinnerForTwo: Fuck.

**10:01 PM**

**CaptainBucketHat** has joined the chat.

CaptainBucketHat: Could someone explain what all of you are doing here?  
  
EeyoreButBlond: The Eleventh got Doom Eternal. Could we stay here tonight?  
  
CaptainBucketHat: … Fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Username Guide  
> FairlyPrincess- Orihime  
> QuincyEmperorHatesYou- Uryuu  
> ElsaButMoreBadass- Rukia  
> BullyMeAlso- Renji  
> StrawberryShortbae- Ichigo  
> BullyMe- Keigo  
> LadiesMan- Mizuiro  
> DinnerForTwo- Shuuhei  
> Baldylocks- Ikkaku  
> ActuallyLadyGaga- Yumichika  
> FrostedFlakes- Chad  
> IceIceBaby- Hitsugaya  
> BreastedBoobily- Rangiku  
> EeyoreButBlond- Izuru  
> WhereThePetalsFall- Byakuya  
> BallBuster- Tatsuki  
> CaptainBucketHat- Urahara


	3. All Dogs (Might) Go To Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do all dogs go to heaven? Let's find out!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in posting, it's been... a time. Chapter 3 is finally finished and Chapter 4 is in the works, so I'll try my best to not take as long to post.

**10:36 AM**

**TheHandsomestMan** added **BullyMe** to the chat.

TheHandsomestMan: Get back in here, you coward.

BullyMe: I am not a coward!

BullyMe: This is bullying!

  
  
TheHandsomestMan: I know. c:

BullyMe: Fuck you.

BullyMe: Okay so you all know that movie All Dogs Go To Heaven?

BullyMe: Since we know there is an afterlife and we know people who run the afterlife, the question I’d pose to this is

BullyMe: DO all dogs go to heaven?

BullyMe: Asking for a friend.

BullyMe: The friend is me.

StrawberryShortbae: …

StrawberryShortbae: Holy shit.

StrawberryShortbae: **@ElsaButMoreBadass @WhereThePetalsFall @BullyMeAlso @Baldylocks @ActuallyLadyGaga @EeyoreButBlond @DinnerForTwo @BreastedBoobily**

StrawberryShortbae: Answer the question.

ElsaButMoreBadass: I… I don’t think I’ve ever exorcised a dog…

  
  
BullyMeAlso: Fuck, neither have I…

  
  
Baldylocks: We do dogs?

  
  
DinnerForTwo: This wasn’t in our Academy training!

  
  
ActuallyLadyGaga: **@WhereThePetalsFall** You’re a captain, shouldn’t you know this?

  
  
WhereThePetalsFall: …  
  


**WhereThePetalsFall** is idle.

EeyoreButBlond: Oh my dog Captain Kuchiki doesn’t know either.

  
  
DinnerForTwo: *god

  
  
EeyoreButBlond: I know what I typed.

StrawberryShortbae: So what you’re telling me is none of you have ANY idea if ANY dogs go to heaven?

QuincyEmperorHatesYou: What kind of outfit are you people running????

ElsaButMoreBadass: Don’t look at me, I just work here!!!  
  


BullyMeAlso: Oh my god what about the dogs?!?! Have we just been leaving dogs behind in the world of the living since forever?! WHAT IF THEY’RE NOT ALLOWED IN?!

FairlyPrincess: They don’t let dogs in heaven?! ༼☯﹏☯༽

ElsaButMoreBadass: !!!!

ElsaButMoreBadass: O-of course, Orihime-chan! They go right to heaven! Super Heaven!

BullyMeAlso: What the fuck is Super Heaven?

ElsaButMoreBadass: Shut up or you’ll make her cry!

**QuincyEmperorHatesYou** changed **BullyMeAlso** to **DietReno**

**QuincyEmperorHatesYou** changed **WhereThePetalsFall** to **Senbonzakura**

QuincyEmperorHatesYou: That’s been bothering me for a while.  
  


StrawberryShortbae: Jesus Uryuu.  
  
  
TheHandsomestMan: Final Fantasy VII called, they want their memes back.

DietReno: Stop changing my name to memes!

ElsaButMoreBadass: Renji, you are the meme.

DietReno: What the fuck this is bullying

EeyoreButBlond: Back to the matter at hand

EeyoreButBlond: We’ve yet to establish where deceased dogs go  
  
  
FairlyPrincess: THEY GO TO SUPER HEAVEN โ๏∀๏ใ

FairlyPrincess: AND EAT THEIR SUPER DOGGY BONES

ElsaButMoreBadass: YES THEY GO TO SUPER HEAVEN

**2:46 PM**

StrawberryShortbae: So, since we’ve established that no one in Soul Society knows what the fuck is going on, who wants to go get crepes?

FairlyPrincess: MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEEEEEEEE!!!!

  
  
BallBuster: If Orihime’s going then I’m going.

  
  
FrostedFlakes: I’ll come, I haven’t had crepes in a while.

HandsomestMan: Keigo and I are in.

  
  
BullyMe: What if I don’t want crepes?

  
  
HandsomestMan: Too bad, you’re coming anyway.  
  


FairlyPrincess: Is that everyone?  
  
  
StrawberryShortbae: Oh, wait. Uryuu, you coming?

StrawberryShortbae: We’re getting crepes.

StrawberryShortbae: Uryuu

  
  
StrawberryShortbae: **@QuncyEmperorHatesYou**

StrawberryShortbae: Babe

StrawberryShortbae: PUT YOUR FUCKING SWITCH DOWN AND CHECK YOUR PHONE

  
  
QuincyEmperorHatesYou: I’M TRYING TO SELL MY TURNIPS

**3:30 PM**

QuincyEmperorHatesYou: I hope you all realize this is cutting into my profits.

BallBuster: Your village will be there when you get back, shut up and order your crepes.

QuincyEmperorHatesYou: ╭∩╮（︶︿︶）╭∩╮

  
  
FairlyPrincess: NO FIGHTING!

FairlyPrincess: WE’RE GOING TO HAVE FUN AND EAT CREPES!

FairlyPrincess: OR ELSE!

HandsomestMan: Orihime saying ‘or else’ is the most terrifying thing.

HandsomestMan: I can never tell if she means bodily harm or if she’s going to make you feel so bad about upsetting her that your heart literally breaks in half.

FairlyPrincess: o3o

StrawberryShortbae: Chill guys I don’t want to die today.

HandsomestMan: You're either going to die on the field of battle or with your head crushed between Ishida's thighs.

StrawberryShortbae: I mean

StrawberryShortbae: You're not wrong

StrawberryShortbae: This one time after school the two of us and Orihime were getting parfaits and these two losers from some other school came over and started hitting on her

StrawberryShortbae: When they didn’t get the hint, Uryuu slammed his spoon on the table, grabbed a cantaloupe and a marker off a display, wrote ‘your face’ on it, and crushed it with his thighs while keeping uncomfortable eye contact the whole time

StrawberryShortbae: It was terrifying and hot at the same time

StrawberryShortbae: Then Orihime kicked them in the balls

StrawberryShortbae: I didn’t have to do anything but watch the carnage, it was great.

BullyMe: Oh my god

BullyMe: How did I miss this

StrawberryShortbae: You were too busy getting the crap kicked out of you after you snuck into the girl’s locker room again.

BullyMe: Q~Q

BallBuster: Hey, we got a table in the back by the windows

BallBuster: Someone was walking by with their puppy and Chad waved to it

BallBuster: Now the puppy won’t leave and Chad is entranced

BullyMe: He put his little paws on the window!

  
  
BullyMe: The puppy not Chad.

StrawberryShortbae: RECORD IT  
  


BallBuster: On it

  
HandsomestMan: My heart might be melting

  
  
HandsomestMan: This is too cute for words

HandsomestMan: … Oh. The puppy peed on the window.

BullyMe: Okay but

  
  
BullyMe: If a car hits that puppy now, will he go to heaven?

StrawberryShortbae: …  
  


StrawberryShortbae: I'm going to hit _you_ with a car, Keigo.

StrawberryShortbae: Shut up and eat your crepes.

BullyMe: Fuck you.

  
BallBuster: Shut up and eat your crepes.

  
BullyMe: Yes mom.

  
**BallBuster is Idle**

**BullyMe is Idle**

Chad: Now I guess we'll get to see if all Keigos go to heaven.

StrawberryShortbae: I ain't sending him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Username Guide:  
> FairlyPrincess- Orihime  
> QuincyEmperorHatesYou- Uryuu  
> ElsaButMoreBadass- Rukia  
> BullyMeAlso, DietReno- Renji  
> StrawberryShortbae- Ichigo  
> BullyMe- Keigo  
> LadiesMan- Mizuiro  
> DinnerForTwo- Shuuhei  
> Baldylocks- Ikkaku  
> ActuallyLadyGaga- Yumichika  
> FrostedFlakes- Chad  
> IceIceBaby- Hitsugaya  
> BreastedBoobily- Rangiku  
> EeyoreButBlond- Izuru  
> WhereThePetalsFall, Senbonzakura- Byakuya  
> BallBuster- Tatsuki  
> CaptainBucketHat- Urahara


	4. All Dogs (Might) Go To Heaven 2: Electric Boogaloo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The mystery continues...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look I'm being productive and updating.

4:32 PM

**ElsaButMoreBadass** added **DoctorDoctorGimmeTheNews** and **NanaoMakeMeACoolScreenname** to the chat.

ElsaButMoreBadass: CAPTAIN

DietReno: CAPTAIN

Baldylocks: CAPTAIN

BreastedBoobily: CAPTAIN

DinnerForTwo: CAPTAIN

ActuallyLadyGaga: CAPTAIN

EeyoreButBlond: Captain…?

DoctorDoctorGimmeTheNews: Oh, Rukia, is something the matter?

  
  
ElsaButMoreBadass: WHAT HAPPENS TO DOGS WHEN THEY DIE?!

DoctorDoctorGimmeTheNews: Oh.

DoctorDoctorGimmeTheNews: Um.

DoctorDoctorGimmeTheNews: **@NanaoMakeMeACoolScreenname**?

NanaoMakeMeACoolScreenname: Uugh… it’s too early for this…

ActuallyLadyGaga: It’s four in the afternoon, at least pretend to be a functional alcoholic like Rangiku!

EeyoreButBlond: You are being _incredibly_ generous with the word functional right now.

BreastedBoobily: I am absolutely functional!

EeyoreButBlond: When was the last time you _actually_ did any paperwork?

BreastedBoobily: …

BreastedBoobily: …

  
  
BreastedBoobily: You’re so mean.

EeyoreButBlond: Someone has to be or we’d wake up one day and all of you would be dead on the side of the road because you played in traffic!

DietReno: Who died and made you team mom?

EeyoreButBlond: Your mom.

DietReno: Jesus.

**Baldylocks** changed **EeyoreButBlond** to **TeamMom**

TeamMom: I hate all of you.

ElsaButMoreBadass: Back to the matter at hand…

ElsaButMoreBadass: Do all dogs go to heaven?

ElsaButMoreBadass: I tried asking Nii-sama, but he just muttered something about turnip prices and wandered away…

NanaoMakeMeACoolScreenname: That is an _excellent_ question my dear.

**NanaoMakeMeACoolScreenname** is Idle

DoctorDoctorGimmeTheNews: SHUNSUI GET BACK HERE YOU UNKEMPT ROGUE! YOU ARE NOT LEAVING ME WITH THIS ONE!

**DoctorDoctorGimmeTheNews** is Idle  
  
  


ElsaButMoreBadass: He used all caps…

DietReno: It’s always the quiet ones.

Baldylocks: So you agree that Kira is going to kill us all in our sleep?

  
  
TeamMom: Bold of you to assume I’m going to do it in your sleep.

Baldylocks: …

  
  
ActuallyLadyGaga: You asked.

Baldylocks: I regret everything.

5:01 PM

ElsaButMoreBadass: **@Senbonzakura**  
  
  


ElsaButMoreBadass: Nii-sama we need answers!

Senbonzakura: Turnip prices are especially good today.

ElsaButMoreBadass: STOP COPYING ISHIDA AND ANSWER THE QUESTION!

**Senbonzakura** is Idle

ElsaButMoreBadass: WHY IS IT SO HARD TO GET A STRAIGHT ANSWER FROM SOMEONE?!  
  
  


5:37 PM

BreastedBoobily: **@IceIceBaby** Captain what do we do with dogs when they die?!

  
  
IceIceBaby: RANGIKU GET OVER HERE AND DO YOUR PAPERWORK!

  
  
BreastedBoobily: :c

**BreastedBoobily** is Idle

DietReno: Rest in fucking pieces…

6:21 PM

DinnerForTwo: **@WhoLetTheDogsOut** Captain, what happens to dogs when they die?

WhoLetTheDogsOut: Eh? Oh, the answer is simple! They-

**Error: Chat Not Found**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, this is not the end. c:
> 
> Username Guide:  
> FairlyPrincess- Orihime  
> QuincyEmperorHatesYou- Uryuu  
> ElsaButMoreBadass- Rukia  
> DietReno- Renji  
> StrawberryShortbae- Ichigo  
> BullyMe- Keigo  
> LadiesMan- Mizuiro  
> DinnerForTwo- Shuuhei  
> Baldylocks- Ikkaku  
> ActuallyLadyGaga- Yumichika  
> FrostedFlakes- Chad  
> IceIceBaby- Hitsugaya  
> BreastedBoobily- Rangiku  
> EeyoreButBlond/Team Mom- Izuru  
> Senbonzakura- Byakuya  
> BallBuster- Tatsuki  
> CaptainBucketHat- Urahara  
> DoctorDoctorGimmeTheNews- Ukitake  
> NanaoMakeMeACoolScreenname- Kyoraku  
> WhoLetTheDogsOut- Komamura


	5. Minor Technical Difficulties

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things do happen outside the chat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short little interlude this time, I'll start working on the next real chapter soon I swear.

“Eh?” Ichigo stared at his phone perplexed like it had grown a second head.

“What is it?” Uryuu asked from his seat in Ichigo’s lap typing furiously on his laptop, likely setting up some back alley turnip exchange in Animal Crossing. His Switch lay next to him temporarily abandoned.

“The chat’s gone.”

“What?” The brunet looked up at his boyfriend and adopted his perplexed expression. “Group chats don’t just disappear.”

“Well this one did.” To prove his point, Ichigo practically shoved his phone in Uryuu’s face. The error message was still displayed across the screen.

Uryuu’s eyes widened a fraction and Ichigo would have sworn he heard him mutter ‘what the fuck’ (he loved it when Uryuu swore) before grabbing for his own phone. He unlocked the screen and pulled up the chat only to find the same thing Ichigo did. “What? How? It’s on both our phones… is it a carrier issue?”

Ichigo shrugged and leaned back against the pillows. “Beats me. One second I’m looking at the Great Dog Ghost Discourse of the century and now the entire thing is gone.”

At a complete loss for words, Uryuu slowly returned to Ichigo’s lap, laptop and falling profits forgotten. “What do we do…?”

A pause. “Wanna fuck?”

“I suppose.”


	6. Is This Halloween?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Better late than never, right?

11:35 AM

**LadiesMan** added **StrawberryShortbae, QuincyEmperorHatesYou, FairlyPrincess, and 16 Others To The Chat**

LadiesMan: Where did the chat go?  
  
FrostedFlakes: I was about to ask the same thing…  
  
StrawberryShortbae: Apparently asking questions about dogs going to heaven will tear a hole in the universe. 

BullyMe: So what was the answer?

**LadiesMan** muted **BullyMe**

LadiesMan: I JUST made this chat, don’t make me do it again.

StrawberryShortbae: Keigo is banned from asking questions.

FrostedFlakes: For how long?  
  
LadiesMan: Until he learns how to stop breaking reality.

FrostedFlakes: So never?  
  
LadiesMan: Yep.

BallBuster: Is anyone doing anything for Halloween? I was thinking of having a party.  
  
FairlyPrincess: We can go trick or treating!  
  
StrawberryShortbae: Idk  
  
StrawberryShortbae: Honestly with all the shit that goes on around here every day is Halloween.  
  
BallBuster: Fair.  
  
BallBuster: But shouldn’t we do something mundane for once? We don’t get to do it a lot.  
  
StrawberryShortbae: Valid point

StrawberryShortbae: I guess my opinion is distorted a bit.  
  
StrawberryShortbae: My dad has been listening to this squeaky nightcore remix of Thriller on repeat for the last six hours and it’s driving me crazy

StrawberryShortbae: Can you kill someone who's already technically dead?

StrawberryShortbae: Asking for a friend

QuincyEmperorHatesYou: My father just read that over my shoulder and muttered something about ropes and took off. I have several theories.

StrawberryShortbae: Are any of them going to make me want to bleach my brain?

QuincyEmperorHatesYou: All of them.

StrawberryShortbae: What the fuck

StrawberryShortbae: Wait are you home?  
  
QuincyEmperorHatesYou: No, only out to lunch. I had to fulfill my monthly father-son bonding time with Ryuuken, but seeing as he is now otherwise occupied my hour is done and I can resume my island redecorating.  
  
FairlyPrincess: But you have to come trick or treating with us, Ishida-kun! It’s Halloween!  
  
QuincyEmperorHatesYou: I have other things to d-  
  
FairlyPrincess: PLLLEASEEEEEE???

QuincyEmperorHatesYou: But-  
  
FairlyPrincess: PLEASE?!?!  
  
QuincyEmperorHatesYou: Inoue-  
  
FairlyPrincess: (இ﹏இ`｡)  
  
QuincyEmperorHatesYou: … I’ll find a costume.  
  
FairlyPrincess: .+(´^ω^`)+.

StrawberryShortbae: You’re so whipped.  
  
QuincyEmperorHatesYou: Like you ever tell her no.  
  
StrawberryShortbae: …  
  
StrawberryShortbae: Fuck  
  
FrostedFlakes: She has all of us whipped honestly.  
  
FairlyPrincess: (o゜▽゜)o☆  
  


3:45 PM

BallBuster: Got everything from the store for the party.  
  
LadiesMan: Good. Keigo and I are working on costumes.  
  
FairlyPrincess: I’m nearly done!  
  
StrawberryShortbae: Uryuu came to my place, grabbed me by the collar, dragged me to his apartment, took some measurements, and he’s been sewing furiously for the last three hours. He won’t let me help so I’m just watching hentai to see how long it takes for him to throw something at me.  
  
LadiesMan: Anything good?  
  
StrawberryShortbae: Nah, can’t be assed to really look when I have access to better.  
  
FrostedFlakes: Is Ishida really okay with that? Or is he just not paying attention to his phone?  
  
StrawberryShortbae: …  
  
StrawberryShortbae: Oh. Shit.

**StrawberryShortbae** is **Idle**

BallBuster: Flowers and chocolate?  
  
LadiesMan: More like a ton of fabric.

  
  
6:47 PM

Baldylocks: You've heard of spooky scary skeletons now get ready for Captain Ukitake.  
  
ElsaButMoreBadass: Wow rude  
  
Baldylocks: Am I wrong?  
  
ActuallyLadyGaga: No, but you shouldn’t say it. Especially when he’s in the chat.

**DoctorDoctorGimmeTheNews** is **Idle**

  
Baldylocks: Shit-  
  
NanaoMakeMeACoolScreenname: Oh dear, Jushiro just rushed out of here like a bat out of hell. I wonder what got a bee in his bonnet?  
  
ActuallyLadyGaga: I may be getting a promotion tonight.  
  
Baldylocks: JAKGJAJFAJDSFAJDFAJ

**Baldylocks** is **Idle**

DietReno: Ikkaku’s about to get monster mashed.

ElsaButMoreBadass: More like graveyard smashed.  
  
ActuallyLadyGaga: That’ll catch in a flash.  
  
DinnerForTwo: What, the monster mash?  
  
TeamMom: Why am I friends with you?

7:17 PM

“Uugh, I can’t believe those jerks made me pick up more soda! They should have been more prepared!” Keigo griped as he climbed the stairs to Tatsuki’s apartment two at a time, a bottle of soda in each hand. The dog ears on his costume flopped with each step, only stopping when he reached the landing and knocked on the door. “I’m here!” No one answered, so after a minute of waiting he tried the knob. “It’s open? Alright…”  
  
The door swung open and Keigo was treated to the sight of a rainbow assortment of astronauts sitting around the room. No one spoke as all heads turned to him. 

“Guys…? Guys, what’s going on?” Keigo asked nervously as he backed away. “No one told me there was a group costume!”

The astronauts descended.


End file.
